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7/23/2005 I finally have my internet again, but I wanted to mention that I still won't be online all the time, at least for a while, because I have to turn my computer off while I'm at work and especially at night, or else it adds about 10 degrees to the temperature in my bedroom. Hopefully I'll have a good fan soon to help with that. I do miss my ceiling fans. :( posted 11:42 PM / post / view (0) 7/21/2005 So I found out the power company has sent me two bills that were returned as undeliverable because I gave them the wrong mailing address. Go me. But I took care of that today and the check will be in today's mail. Silly me, I assumed that my mailing address would be my mailbox number instead of my apartment number. But it's not. What's funny is I gave my insurance company my address with the apartment number and the power company my address with my box number, and all of it was returned as undeliverable. I think my mailman is just lazy. I like it when mom's not at work. I have an easier time staying busy and then the day goes by quicker. I don't think I'll tell her that, though, she might take it the wrong way. Internet coming on Saturday unless God decides He wants to laugh at me some more. Could go either way, really. Just watch and see. posted 2:01 PM / post / view (0) 7/19/2005 So I realized something last night. A few weeks ago, I moved my desk to another wall (switched it with my dresser), because the power outlet on the wall where my desk originally was is connected to the light switch. Which means if I use that outlet for my computer, I can't turn the light switch off without shutting off my computer. Makes sense, right? So last night, I noticed something very important. Also on the wall where my desk used to be is the cable outlet. Think. Riiiiight. They put an outlet wired to the light switch on the same wall as the internet hook-up. So here's my question... where the hell are you supposed to put your computer?! posted 2:56 PM / post / view (3) 7/18/2005 Have you ever been told your call may be monitored for quality purposes and then gotten a busy signal? Good ol' Charter. Always surprising you. posted 9:36 AM / post / view (3) 7/13/2005 Now, I'm all for the space program. I was even going to watch the Discovery launch this afternoon if I happened to be free at that time. So I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm just a touch concerned that after two and a half years of remodeling their shuttles, NASA managed to find a problem big enough to delay the launch with only hours to spare. Just since yesterday, they've repaired a window cover that just fell off, plus the two protective tiles it damaged; and this morning had to repair a ground heater before they could fill the fuel tank. And now that they've filled the fuel tank, they realize one of the fuel sensors isn't working because it's showing an empty tank. I mean, seriously, what the hell have they been doing all this time? And shouldn't they have maybe, you know, finished their remodeling and done all this double-checking before scheduling a launch? Just a thought. posted 5:03 PM / post / view (0) 7/4/2005 I want a home again. I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like kind of like I lost my home when I went away to college. I lived in the dorm, that was home. I lived in my apartment, that was home. Coming back to my parents' house for vacations was "home," but not really my home anymore. School was my real home. Now I'm not in school anymore. And I had to come "home" because, well, that's just how things worked out. But it's still not my home. I don't belong here anymore. My parents have their own life here. So I got an apartment, and I hope I'll be living there soon, but it still won't be home. Because it's only temporary. I don't know how long I'll be there. My situation could change at any moment. I want a home. A home where I can settle in and make it mine without having to worry about possibly having to uproot and move because I found a new job or just can't afford it anymore. I want to be able to live somewhere and think "It's mine, I'm staying, and I can do anything I want because I'm not going anywhere." It's just too depressing to put an effort into a place knowing that you might have to move it all and start over from scratch soon. And I hate it. And lately all I can think about is my freshman year and how long ago it seems and how much I want it back. There's this picture on my cedar chest that I see every time I'm on my bed. From the end of that first year, the day after the senior pranks when there's toilet paper all over and string around all the trees. And me and Melanie and Brannon and Robin are standing in front of one of those tree swings while Rebecca takes our picture. And every time I look at it I feel like crying. Which I do quite a lot these days, maybe not for very long, but at small things. Why can't I be 18 again and start over? I could do it so much better this time, I know I could. I'm really scared. About a lot of things. One of which, that my depression is resurfacing. I feel antisocial a lot, don't want to talk to people or do anything, just stay at home and watch tv or play games or read. I feel sad almost all the time. Have no idea what I want to do. I'm about to pay rent on an apartment I haven't stayed a night in. And people have gotten mad at me because I don't want to talk or I've backed out of plans. But I can't help it. It's the way things are. No one can make me be happy or get better. And I usually end up resenting people who try. Because they don't understand. They act like it's an easy thing. A simple decision. Yeah. You know what? I don't want people to try and fix me. I just want them to understand. And be supportive. And tell me it's okay to be upset. You don't have to tell me that it's illogical or I'm going to figure it out and things will get better eventually. Or that I'm the only one who can change my situation. I know that. But it still seems a million miles away. |